Valentine’s Day is approaching and some of you will be reluctantly single on this day. How do you get through this day of romantic love when you are alone?

If the prospect of finding love seems bleak, we would like to assure you that with almost 8 billion inhabitants on this planet, there is more than one person who could become the love of your life.

However, they will not come knocking on your door. Make sure you maximize your chances of meeting one of them.

As you search for your future partner, remember to look in places where you like spending time. Unless you are an avid clubber, night clubs may not be the best place to look for a life partner. Some interests and activities are more sociable than others. If your only interest is reading, you may need to expand what reading can look like. Should you join or start a book club, perhaps? Or maybe you need to try out activities where you are meet people with similar interests or values as yours.

Become the best version of yourself

When we say bettering yourself, what we mean by that is bettering your relationship with yourself. How you treat yourself, how you speak to yourself, what you feed yourself, how you spend your time. We are  suggesting you work on yourself in order to be the best version of yourself when you meet a person who could become your mate. 

Many people only start re-evaluating themselves when they meet someone who is different. Sometimes this can be a wonderful thing. For example when the person you meet inspires you to try something you’ve always wanted to try or if the person makes book and movie recommendations that would not be in your radar. 

But be wary of that little voice in you that starts to tell you that in order to be loved by the person you met you need to lose 10 kgs. Neither should you have to behave and be a way that is unnatural to you. You do not need to doubt yourself and your values. 

Therefore, it is very important not to wait until after you had a  a wonderful date to start improving your relationship with  yourself.

Who are you becoming?

Take some time to reflect on what your “ideal” self looks like. Draw or journal to help you get a sense of who you want to become. What sort of habits would you nurture? Who would you surround yourself with? Is there anything you would do less or more of? If there are aspects of yourself that you are not proud of? Spend some time getting to know those parts of you better.

For example, if you have a part of you that can get deeply depressed and lonely at night, ask yourself how do I feel about this part of me? At a minimum you want to have compassion for yourself and your vulnerable aspects of yourself. If your inner critical voice is saying mean things about your depression, this is a signal that you would benefit from learning a new way of relating to yourself that would foster care and compassion. 

If there is a part of you that is super critical of you, chances are you will have a hard time opening yourself up to a relationship that will be loving and nurturing. You might find yourself in relationships that either end prematurely, or with people who are critical of you or at the very least unavailable. The fact is you do not have control over how people view you or even treat you. You do have control over who you choose to spend time with and invest your energy in. 

Be weary of perfectionism 

Don’t focus too much on your physical appearance. Far more important than how you look or dress is how you treat yourself and others.

Do you treat yourself as a person who is worthy of love?

 If you put yourself down, disrespect yourself and neglect your health and wellbeing, are you an attractive partner?

If you dominate others or let yourself be dominated, you are unlikely to attract people with healthy boundaries and good relationship skills.

Perfection doesn’t exist and you don’t have to try to be a perfect-looking person. You do need to be able to love yourself as well as be able to give and receive love. You also need to feel confident enough in your abilities in surviving in this world, even in the face of adversity.

We are never ready as individuals. As we travel through times we change and develop. Wanting to become your best self doesn’t mean you should put down the person you are now. You have done your best with the resources available to you. You are where you are now but your future is still unwritten.

We are asking to build on who you are now and add a few more building blocks in the person that makes you uniquely you.

There is no self-care without self-love

You may have realized by now that for us to be able to love others, we need to be able to love ourselves. If you recognize that this is very difficult for you, you are not alone. You may have had experiences growing up where you were left feeling not good enough. Or, you were left feeling unable to navigate the world on your own.

A popular message that the wellbeing sector repeats is the importance of self-care. However, self-care needs to be rooted in self-love. Self-care without self-love either does not happen at all, or does not end up feeling like love at all.

In fact the intention set into any self-care routine matters! For example, if you spend time attending exercise classes but whilst you work out punch yourself mentally, this is not self-care. If you are eating healthy but ruminate and beat yourself up about every treat you had over the weekend, that healthy meal cannot be digested by a body that is under stress. You will not get the benefits of relaxation and calm from a massage at the spa if you lay there you think about how you’re in a hurry or how you need to get back to work.  

If you recognize that self-care feels alien or uncomfortable to you, the root of the problem is likely  in your difficulty loving yourself.

Yes we know, we are telling you something that may not resolve the immediate angst you have. So don’t think in days, think in months and years. Try to imagine a future where you are kinder and better to yourself. Then imagine that in the company of an equally loving partner. Let that sink in and see how you and your body feels picturing this image. 

Love happens!

You may be surprised how often we see our single clients find love when they have started taking the first steps of loving themselves. Nothing is more attractive than a person who is happy with themselves.

Whether or not this year brings romantic love into your life, allow this Valentine’s Day to be the first day when you bring more self-love into your life. You are maximizing your chances that someone with a good heart will see the beautiful human being that you are.

Use our free workbook to better understand yourself.