Parenting is hard. When you have a young family, you do not get a break and you are chronically sleep deprived. You have to handle situations that you have no prior experience or training in. 

Your child may be very different from the child you were or the child you expected to have. 

You and your partner may not see eye-to-eye. You may get criticism about your parenting from your in-laws, daycare, school and strangers.

Every parents wants their child to succeed. Your intentions are good. You love your child dearly. And many times you feel like you are a failure as a parent.

Every child is unique, every parent is unique and every child-parents relationship is unique. Can there be a way to parent that works for all parents? Probably not. You need to find a way to parent your unique child that works for the two of you. Your personality and their personality play a role in which techniques work and which don’t.

I am not going to tell you how to parent. I stopped doing that when I had my own children and realized how difficult it is.

In this article I will present one of many parenting methodologies. This one resonates with my personality and my children respond to it positively. They tell me off when I steer away from this approach. They like me better when I stay true to it. I like myself better when I live this approach.

The Nurtured Heart Approach 

The Nurtured Heart Approach (NHA) is not just a parenting technique. It offers tools that can be used in schools and workplaces in addition to homes. It can be used with children, teens and adults. I apply the tools with my clients in therapy and it helps them grow.

At the core of NHA is the intention to help children see what is great about them. By creating opportunities for success, adults help children identify and build their inner wealth. This confidence that they have resources within helps them flourish. They will be hopeful about the future and trust that they will find their purpose in life. They will be able to cope with the pressures and challenges of modern life.

NHA is that it is rooted in your love towards your child. It comes from the heart and you cannot make mistakes as long as you remain your authentic self. If you try to fake it, it will not work. It has to be natural and intuitive.

Children respond to NHA because they feel seen. It makes them feel good about themselves. As they say, we forget what someone said or did but we never forget how they made us feel. The Nurtured Heart Approach makes your child feel confident and good about themselves.

The 3 stands of Nurtured Heart Approach

At the core of NHA are three stands.

1. Absolutely No! 

In this first stand you refuse to energize negativity. When your child misbehaves, you do not reward their behavior with your attention. The child will not be able to connect with you with negativity.

You can refuse to energize negativity by not responding, turning your attention to another person, or if all else fails, you can even close your eyes.

Your child is seeking your attention with negativity. Your gift to your child is your attention. If you give your child attention when they are misbehaving – even if it is in the form of reprimand, lectures, punishment or yelling – you are giving your child what they want.

When you tell your child what to do, point out all the ways in which they are going wrong and inform them of their bad qualities, nothing will change. When you show your child that undesired behavior leads to no response from you, they will start seeking other ways to connect with you. You have set a transformation in motion.

2. Absolutely Yes!

In the second stand you super-energize success. When your child displays desired behavior, you recognize it, energize it and connect with your child. You energize success as it happens and look for even the smallest signs of positivity.

When you recognize and energize your child’s positive qualities, your child can be those qualities in that moment. When you identify your child’s greatness, they do not need to use challenging behavior to be seen and heard by you. 

You can super-energize your child’s behavior by finding a small thing they are doing right in a difficult situation. What if your child is very upset but is trying to control their anger? Tell your child you see them working hard at not lashing out and let them know that they are displaying self-control and determination in a difficult situation. That is pretty impressive!

Do remember to also recognize and energize the behavior that you expect from your child. If your child makes their bed every morning, tell them how you reconize their proactivity, reliability, and their ability to be organized. If you do not name their strengths and positive qualities, they will not learn to identify these qualities in themselves. You are building your child’s self-esteem.

3. Absolutely clear!

The third and last stance of NHA reminds us that actions have consequences. Your task as a parent is to set clear limits that have consequences. Your rules and expectations are clear.

When a rule is broken, the child is asked to reset themselves. You can say ‘reset’ , or ‘pause’, ‘Oh-oh, family rule’ or use any other word or phrase that works in your home.

Resetting gives your child an opportunity to change their behavior. They can choose their response. This is empowering.

Once you have instructed your child to reset, you then disconnect yourself from your child. Do not turn away in anger or frustration. You calmly remove your energy and redirect it elsewhere.

You may need to work hard at resetting yourself as well. It is not easy to stay calm and collected when a child is deliberately pushing your buttons trying to get a reaction from you.

The moment the undesired behavior stops, you return you attention to your child. For example, you may say, ‘I can see you are still furious but you are no longer kicking the sofa. I appreciate that you reset and made a wise choice. I can see that you are controlling yourself. ‘

Reconnecting happens with forgiveness. The consequence of breaking the rule is you removing your attention from your child. Children are not punished for making mistakes. They are allowed to reset and all is well again.

You may need to re-assess the rules in your home. If they are not clear to you, they will not be clear to your child. Write down the rules and start with ‘no’, for example ‘No kicking’ is a a clear rule. Be ready to return to your rules and re-assess them from time to time.

Transforming both you and your child

NHA nurtures a child’s opinion of themselves, their self-esteem. An intense child with challenging behaviors may not hear very often what is great about them. Most of the time they hear what they are doing wrong and adults in their lives do not help them recognize their own greatness.

By applying the three NHA stands in your home, you are nurturing your child’s self-esteem and helping them develop their confidence in the inner wealth.

Children start thriving when we energize their greatness. They will thrive when they know that they will not be punished if they make a mistake. 

You will also recogize that the approach will transform you. You will learn to reset when triggered and identify your own greatness once you have reset.

Learn more about Nurtured Heart Approach on the Children’s Success Foundation website.